the worst thing about being shy and introverted is that you most of the time come off as cold and arrogant like you think you’re better than everyone else and thats why you don’t talk to people or hang out with them but it’s really the opposite its like you’re so uncomfortable with yourself that you don’t wanna share it with anyone else so you just dont and people think you’re an asshole but you’re actually just really scared
Otter Relaxes on the Pool’s Edge
NEVERMIND THE LAST POST I JUST LEARNED ABOUT NEPALESE FUCKING LAND LEECHES
COMMUNITY IS A BLESSING AND A CURSE UGH
roommate chica has her first shift of her first job ever, which is an overnight.
we (four people who support her and want her to rock her job!) are all cheering her on, giving her tips, and loading her up with caffeine and snacks and whirling her out the door. in the last ten minutes, we had people finding snacks, putting snacks in bags, making sandwiches, making caffeinated tea, finding a thing to put tea in, making toast, cheering, and then pushing all of these things into her bag and now she’s off to work, trumpets blazing.
sometimes, it is super cool living with other people. :D
after something someone has just said to me, I began to think.
what if no one questioned or doubted my judgment? what might that be like?
what if I presented my plan with the confidence that I have presented my plans recently, and it was met with resounding support, instead of:
“are you sure that’s a good idea? there are so many schools in the US you could choose. what are you going to do when this doesn’t work out? oh, you think you’re english, so of course you’re going to try to go to school over there. it’s a long way away. what happens when you change your mind? why don’t you just stay here? you know you’re choosing the most difficult way of going to school, what’s the point?”
without exaggeration or alteration, those are the things I have been told in the past five months. over and over and over again, like ugly wallpaper that prickles in the back of my mind, static at the end of the record, something to be expected upon entering a situation and opening my mouth and daring to be excited for a plan I came up with myself and have been propelling myself towards since september.
I didn’t say anything to anyone until was accepted in january, and since then it’s been constant doubt.
maybe it’s the sheer volume of people saying it to me, but it feels like more than a kid trying to get into, say, yale. “there are so many community colleges here in arizona, why go to yale when you could stay here?” when all that kid wants is out of the desert heat and into the ivy leagues.
is it the distance? is it the country?
is it me? is it their lack of faith in me and my ability to make things work for my life? have they not seen me set my mind to something and then do it? why can no one just accept my decision at face value and leave it at that? am I just letting people doubt me and my choices, with no correction?
I suppose I haven’t been giving anyone enough material to look back on and say, “oh, yeah, she’s got this.” and I think I might start asking questions back, the next time someone says something like this to me. I understand that it’s from a place of caring, but hearing it every day when it’s already hard enough trying to stay happy about it because of the financial piece.
it’s disheartening, and I feel like it’s not my problem to deal with everyone’s assumptions of what I should be doing in a country I’ve wanted out of since I was ten.